I am very hard on myself.

For multiple reasons. I mean first of all, I know I am better than the way I look. I’m trapped in this disgusting body, when my real body is lean and fit.
I mean, yeah I have my good attributes. My ass is all muscle and fit and my legs can kick your ass anyday. But there’s plenty of things I hate, too.

And I sit here, at my age, and think about how capable I am. I am not going to starve myself. I do not want to be weak. I want to be stronger.

I’ve started my workout regiment last Janurary 3rd. It’s been a rough road so far, and it seems like I might just be turning around. But I won’t allow that to happen. I’m going on a very strict, healthy diet and I am working out at least 30 minutes every day (excluding relaxation days for good muscle growth), until the point where I can fit in two workouts daily. I’m even going to try getting up early. (Try, means probably fail.)

My main reasons for harder work are simple.

1) I went from barely being able to walk a mile to running two miles straight without stopping. Sure I was all sweaty and huffy and puffy, but my skinny friends can’t even run that! I miss that, a lot. Running helps me feel good about myself and ignore all else going on around me. It’s me and the road and the ‘every step I take now is a step closer to success later’ mindset.

2) I look at my family. Now this is mean to say, but only two people in my family are partly fit (they’re not healthy, I know what they consume). And I have a HUGE family (literally, in more ways than one). The rest are overweight, unactive, and have poor dietry habits. I look at myself. I’m motivated. I LOVE exercising. I really do. It feels so amazing. I know how to handle food well (tho I don’t always practice what I preach). And of course, I know how to be healthy. I’m not my family. I’m me. And I will be the best I can be.

3) I want to be able to go somewhere-anywhere-and feel good. I go to the store now and I feel like a fatass. My confidence has dropped to the negatives. I used to like myself, I used to accept it. Nope, not anymore. Not when I know I can be better than I am.

4) I have learned how well I can push myself. Whether I go from one mile one day to two miles the next, or push my body until I feel like passing out, I can do it. I like to punish myself, and exercise is the best way.

5) I want that ‘OMGOSH you look so good’ compliment. ‘How much weight have you lost?’ And I want to feel noticed. I’m a bitch though. Guys who didn’t notice me before better fuck off after I get hot. I want my exes to cry for their lose. I’m mean, and this is the best way I know how to get back at them.

6) Somehow I went from being the lazy, fat kid into PE to running daily and wanting to become a cop. How did I pick such a fast-paced career goal? Yeah, I don’t know. Regardless, if you aren’t the best you can be on the field, you will face the consequences. I love to tell myself ‘run or get shot’. It seems to suit me.

7) I HATE clothes shopping. Oh my God. Not only because I’m fat and nothing fits, but because sizes are always inaccurate when you’re fat. One second I wear a large, then I wear a XX, then back to large. What the fuck. I just want to be small or medium and stick to it for pete’s sake.

8) I’m a hopeless romantic. And this means I want to be that beautiful girl that a stranger comes up to and steals my heart, because I stole his first. That sounds lovely. I want to meet a hot cop, who doesn’t? And hot cops have high standards. Hello, who doesn’t want to feel like they meet standards for once?

9) When I travel to foreign countries I want to represent the USA. Not look like I ate it. I want to show that just because some of our people are a bit pudgy, doesn’t mean that they don’t have the determination to become something better.

10) INSPIRE! I want to inspire others, motivate them, and make them feel strong and beautiful. That is definitely the biggest reward, I think.

and

11) I want to be completely healthy. Yes, I’m insanely healthy now. But I tell myself my body fat is sickness. So when I do cardio, that sickness is leaving my body. Me and my metaphors.

I didn’t really want to blab on people’s dashboards, but doing this will make me feel very motivated to actually go do something and stop being a lazy ass. I know I can work hard. I know because I’ve done it. I have no more excuses (my usual one was ‘I’m too busy’ or ‘I feel sick’, well good bye friends, hello lack of calories). I’m saying hello to single digit cloth sizes, a lean core, fit arms and legs, and a humble amount of confidence because I will know what it’s like to hate yourself and be fat.
I want to look back and say, “You were beautiful back then, but you’re happy now.”
It’s time for a change. And Tumblr, I’ll see you there.
Wish me luck!